The Fug Girls, arguably the funniest people on the internet, did a glam rock/hair metal band fashion retrospective in honor of (that’s probably not the right term–maybe “because of”) Rock of Ages.

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The slideshow is supposed to induce hysterics, and it does, but what I took away from it was the knowledge that, in spite of everything, I think some of these guys are totally hot. It’s true! I did then, and now, well…? If I didn’t have the history I do with hair metal I’d probably think they were clowns, but I can’t undo my early teenage years and their fixations. When I look at these guys, I still look at them like the 12-year-old girl who fell in love with their music just as she was beginning to…yeah, nevermind. I didn’t really know what sexy was, but I thought these guys, their music, and the chicks in their videos had to be it.

Jim Henson, genius saint that he was, was probably responsible for this in some way. Labyrinth came out a few years before, and I was obsessed. I was only nine when I saw it for the first time, but I remember thinking that David Bowie, in his own teased-hair, glitter eye shadow glory, was  pretty damn seductive. I also remember being confused by my feelings, because I knew that wasn’t how guys were supposed to look. But he made it okay. I’m sure his gloomy castle helped. You have no power over me? As if. Sarah chose wrong.

But back to the music. When I was 13, I saw Mötley Crüe on their Dr. Feelgood tour. My friend and I made a big sign that said “We Love Tommy Lee” because we did, and we proudly held it above our heads and screamed like 13 year olds until these mean biker types sitting in front of us grabbed it out of our hands and tossed it. The darkness of the human soul really struck me in that moment.

I was distraught and assumed the night was ruined, but then, then, Tommy Lee had his drum solo, which occurred on a spinning platform above the crowd, and when it was done he mooned us all. No, he mooned me because he wanted me to cheer up. It worked.

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